It has been almost 3 weeks, since the ambulance rushed my mom to the hospital to discover she has Stage 4 Glioblastoma, an aggressive brain tumor. She had brain surgery less than a week ago, on the first day of school. She looks great and has a great attitude. Her memory is not the best anymore. I call her, and she does not remember. My sister visits, and she does not remember. Slowly, the diagnosis is sinking in. Each day, I gradually accept each new reality.
My mom has Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy and a bunch of other therapies for 7 hours a day. She is persevering through the therapies. She is looking forward to getting out of the hospital. She cannot live alone anymore. I think she knows it.
I woke up to a dark morning. It will probably rain soon and storm this afternoon. I did not want to go for a walk this morning. I wanted to crawl back into bed and sleep a little longer. After I took my kids to bus stop and waved goodbye, I went inside. This little voice inside of me said, “Seriously? You are not going for a walk? Your mom had brain surgery and has 7 hours of therapy. Are you really saying that a 20 minute walk is too much?” Yikes. How can I counter that logic? I went for a walk. I didn’t use my inhaler, although I was coughing. I am a terrible exerciser. The whole time that I am walking all these thoughts go through my mind. I dream of curling up and taking a nap. I dream of sipping my coffee. I imagine a bear attacking me from behind. I imagine a snake jumping out and biting me. If I call 911, what is my exact location on this walking trial? Maybe they have GPS. At least, I have my phone. I admire all those people that love exercise and find it therapeutic. I admire them, but I do not understand loving exercise. Anyway, I got through the walk. I showed up. I did it. I have to fight this asthma and make the best of it. If my mom can have 7 hours of therapy, after a 6 hour brain surgery…I can fight asthma.
God knows us. God knows every thought we think. We cannot hide from God. If you saw me walking today, would you know my thoughts? Would you even think about my thoughts? Would you be too preoccupied trying to power through your own exercise? Would you smile, like I do, and say a polite ‘hi’?
God does care about our thoughts. God wants us to love and honor him. God fills heaven and earth with his power and glory. God wants to pour out the Holy Spirit on us and give us peace.
“Who can hide in secret places
so that I cannot see them?”
declares the Lord.
“Do not I fill heaven and earth?”
declares the Lord.
–Jeremiah 23:24 (NIV)
I am so thankful that God is with me. I do not know how I could have gotten through the past 20 days, without God. Each day, God gently nudges me forward. How? I am exercising. I am examining my life. I am thinking about how I spend my time. I am accepting my mom’s condition gradually. In the past, I have made sudden, impulsive decisions. Like a sudden tornado, I would have to pick up the pieces later. Now, I am moving forward and growing. It may be at a snail’s pace, but as long as I keep moving forward, that is fine.
I cannot hide from God. The creator knows my thoughts. When I let God in my heart, God makes my life easier. God gently guides me forward. God is the calm father holding my hand and guiding my through a storm to a safe place. Everything around me is roaring, exploding and out of control, but I am calm. Why? God has my hand. I trust God. God will calmly guide me through this storm.